Reality
by Roadstergal
Summary: Reality bites. Gapfiller for Out Of Time. Spoilers through that episode. Slash of Rimmer and Lister.


"Any objections?"

Rimmer clasped his hands and raised his eyebrows. Cat, Lister, and Kryten looked at each other and shrugged.

"Sounds like a very good idea, sir," Kryten replied. Well, Lister would not go that far. A passable idea. An idea that was decent enough to not quite ring true as a Rimmer idea.

Rimmer gave a very annoying smile. Lister wondered if he had any that were not. "Well, as it's week one, why don't I start?" He walked towards Lister. "Do you know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick?" Lord, thought Lister. Here we go. Of course the idea had been too good to have been a bona fide Rimmer idea. The hologram ducked down to speak into Lister's ear. "Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism." Rimmer straightened, and looked over at the Cat, as if he intended to continue his diatribe. Lister was not about to let him. He leapt to his feet and turned to face Rimmer.

"Yeah? And what's wrong with a little optimism, eh?"

Rimmer's nostrils flared. "Look, miladdio, this isn't on the agen..."

Lister bulldozed right over whatever drivel Rimmer was spouting. "Optimism is a good thing, man. It's what keeps yeh going. Without it," he shook his fist at Rimmer, whose mouth was working as if he wanted to speak, "you're not human. You're a negative naysaying negative-energy pulling-people down worthless smegpot, just like you are, right?"

Behind him, Lister could hear Cat and Kryten scooch their chairs. "Looks like tall and ugly finally pushed short and fat too far, yeah?" Cat's voice drifted over in a pathetic attempt at a whisper. Lister ignored it.

"Ever try a little optimism yerself, man?" Lister had Rimmer backed up almost to the midsection monitors, at this point, and the hologram was moving from surprised and frustrated to angry. He put up his hands to push Lister back. Lister grabbed Rimmer's arms in his own gloved hands and pushed them away, ending up almost chest to chest. Well, chin to chest, with the height difference, but he glared up at Rimmer as if daring him to mention - or even acknowledge - that he was looking up. "Optimism. Positive vibes. Good feelings. Ever tried that, eh?" Rimmer's face had made a hard screeching turn on the way to angry, and was now flying towards utter confusion with the throttle nailed to the floor. "Listy - what are you on about?"

It suddenly occurred to Lister to wonder what other emotions he could bring to that arrogant face. He grabbed Rimmer under the armpits, pushing him the rest of the way to the wall and planting his lips solidly on the hologram's. They shrank back from his, but he pushed forwards to keep them stuck hard, as Rimmer's hands tugged uselessly at Lister's hair. Lister pulled back to take a breath. Rimmer started to stutter, "Lis... Lister, this is _not_ the... the, er, point of the... morale... thing..." Lister noted that Rimmer's features had arrived at confusion and were thinking of settling down for the night. But a flush was starting to spread on the hologram's face, and Lister thought about what he could do to resettle Rimmer's face in a more... pleasing emotional setting.

Behind him, Lister could hear Cat and Kryten shifting in their chairs. "This is like one of those reality TV shows where you did something nasty to get money. There isn't enough money on the ship for _this_ one, though." Cat's voice drifted over in a pathetic attempt at a whisper. Lister ignored it.

"I don't smegging care what the point of your stupid smegging meeting smeg thingy is, Aaaaaahnold," Lister hissed at Rimmer's twitching features. He dove in again for a kiss, and giggled internally as he noted that Rimmer's pushing at his chest was too pathetic to even be called token, and his lips were parted. Lister stuck his tongue into the hologram's mouth, licking the oddly energy-crackling inside of it, and felt Rimmer's groin push into his belly. Lister slipped one hand around the hologram's waist and pulled his own groin in tight against Rimmer's upper thigh. He broke the kiss, noting with satisfaction that this elicited a hungry whimper from the now very-flushed Rimmer, and grabbed the stupid silly blue uniform at the neck. He started to rip and pull at it, filling the air with padding and iridescent blue cloth that vanished in a puff of pale blue light after a moment. He tore and yanked, grinding his groin against Rimmer's leg, until he saw the pale skin of Rimmer's torso, and started to lick and suck and bite at it. Rimmer grabbed Lister's hair in both hands, moaning in a tone of voice that Lister had never heard before. Lister reached into those velour pants, wrapping his fingers around the solid erection he was pleased to find there.

_Thhhwppp._

Lister was holding onto the joystick in the cockpit, starting to pump it up and down. He gasped, gulped, and looked around.

"We're through the reality bubble!" Kryten called from his station. "That one was a doozy!"

Lister took a shuddering breath. It was a doozy, indeed. He had relived that morning's speech, but he had... he had kissed... more than kissed... no.

He looked over his shoulder to where Rimmer sat at his station with that idiotic smegging look on his face, the one with the eyebrows in a V and the nostrils wide and the corners of the mouth turned up. Does he know how stupid he looks? Lister wondered. He shuddered at the memory of that reality bubble - of kissing _Rimmer_.

It had been rather exciting, actually.

Lister looked around with increasing panic as his body responded very favorably to the thought of the makeout session he had just conducted. The idea of snogging the smeghead was making him very, very horny.

Oh hell.

_Thhwppp._

Rimmer sat at his station, fondling his console with both hands as if it were... He gasped, gulped, and looked around.

"We're through the reality bubble!" Kryten called from his station. "That one was a doozy!"

Rimmer took a shuddering breath. It was a doozy, indeed. He had become a disembodied observer, watching Lister relive that morning's speech in a reality bubble, but instead of the way he had... Lister had kissed... more than kissed... no.

He looked to the front of the cockpit to where Lister sat at his station with those idiotic smegging braids twisting down his back, setting off his chipmunk cheeks and brainless wide-eyed gaze perfectly. Does he know how stupid he looks? Rimmer wondered. He shuddered at the memory of that reality bubble - of watching himself be kissed by _Lister_.

It had been rather exciting, actually.

Rimmer looked around with increasing panic as his body responded very favorably to the thought of the makeout session he had just observed. The idea of being snogged by the smeghead was making him very, very horny.

Oh hell.

_Thhwppp._

Kryten sat at his station, tapping up the readings. He gasped, gulped, and looked around.

"We're through the reality bubble!" he called to the cockpit. "That one was a doozy!"

It was a doozy, indeed. He turned to look at Mister Rimmer with suspicion. He was going to have to keep an eye on that one.


End file.
